A Sartorial Faux Pas

I called up the wedding hire place yesterday to make an appointment for myself and the Monkey to get measured up for our outfits for little brother's wedding.

Sadly, the gentleman who answered the phone must have just finished reading "The Big Book Of Gentleman's Outfitting Clichés".

He bombarded me with questions along the lines of "Does sir know what sir will be wearing?", no doubt all the time slicking back his hair and twirling his moustache.

The point where I mistakenly referred to the Prince Edward jacket as a "Prince Albert" is best glossed over. He wasn't amused.

At all.

A Homecoming Of Sorts

I spent the past few days on the other side of the country, in the North East of England, where I grew up.

It's always a little strange going back: I'm amazed by how much everything is changed, but strangely still the same. I somehow get this inner feeling of "being home", despite the fact that I haven't lived there for almost seventeen years.

I visited my home town of Middlesbrough for the first time in over ten years, and while the shops may have changed and the roads moved around, it was as if I'd never left.

One thing that particularly struck me was the growing trend toward public art and sculpture in the North East.

I was already familiar with Claes Oldenburg's Bottle Of Notes, mainly because I was married in front of it, but newer pieces like the Spectra-txt (right), a stainless steel tower covered in lights which passersby can change by sending a text message to it, were quite a revelation.

Most importantly though, it was just nice to hear some proper accents and get some decent fish and chips.

More details on public art in the North East can be found here.

My Bathroom Is Currently Guarded By A Large Poodle

Her name is Zephyr.

Due to the recent departure of my step-daughter to go and move in with her friend, we have been able to open the house up to the dogs, safe in the knowledge that they won't try and bite anyone's arse on their way upstairs.

Zephyr has obviously proclaimed that this small pile of laundry outside the bathroom door shall now be her throne, and from such she is reluctant to move lest there be food involved.

I'm not going to argue with her.

Let Me Through, I'm A Doctor

It gives me great pleasure to announce to the world that I am now a qualified First Aid Provider.

In yet another attempt to get out of doing any real work, I attended a course this week and am now proficient in Rescue Breathing, CPR, Shock Management and Bleeding Control.

The irony of the fact that demonstrating the recovery position on a guy almost twice my size caused my leg to start bleeding was in no way lost on me.

It's Official: I Am The Best

My brother announced a couple of days ago that he's getting married. To a girl. A real one.

My initial reaction was naturally "YAY! Free party!" as is my wont on such occasions.

But now the hammer blow has struck. I have been requested to be Best Man. Now, I haven't been "best" anything since winning the Knobbly Knees contest at Butlins, aged 7, so this has come as quite a shock.

What was to be a carefree jaunt across the country to get riotously drunk, insult my new sister-in-law and then high-tail it out of there has now taken an altogether more sinister turn.

I will now be expected to arrange a stag night, stay reasonably sober on the day of the wedding, make speeches, not lose the rings, and flirt outrageously with bridesmaids.

On the upside, my son Monkey has succeeded in his quest to be allowed to be page boy, just so he can wear a suit and flirt with any bridesmaids I may miss.

Greetings from Nerd Heaven

A little background first:

The "Winter-festival-that-shall-not be named" was not looking to be kind to me this year.

While all around me were eagerly opening their presents that fateful morn, I was left with naught but two suspiciously book-shaped parcels, which as suspected, turned out to be just that.
The last two "Harry Potter" books, to be precise, and I'm firmly of the belief that I only got those because my wife wanted to read them.

However, things took a definite upturn on opening my card from said wife. In it were written the words that make any tech-geek's heart flutter:

"We're going out to buy you a new PC tomorrow".

So it was that I came to be proudly back at the the cutting edge of technology, or at least within spitting distance. The real icing on the cake, though, is my new monitor.

A 19" glass-fronted TFT. I'm officially in love with my monitor. It makes me smile every time I walk in the room. Playing DVD's on it is like being at the cinema.

Like I said, nerd heaven. You may all now proceed to hate me.

If only we'd started this a couple of weeks ago

I'd have had loads of exciting tales to recount.

Saving children from burning buildings, single-handedly overthrowing oppressive regimes in far-flung countries, battling mythical creatures on mountain tops - it was all going on.

Actually, I may have dreamed some of that. Or seen it in a movie.